RANT and update

I received my financial aid information from Augsburg and it’s kind of absurd because my brother got his packet from Macalester and Mac is known for its need based aid (ie the need you demonstrate will be covered 100% by the school), but he still needs to take out like $5000 in loans and apply for work study. I have about $10000 in loans and work study (on top of about $4000 from my first year) and it’s like WHY IS AMERICA LIKE THIS LIKE MY BROTHER AND I REALLY DO NOT HAVE THIS KIND OF MONEY LYING AROUND TO PAY INTO THESE SCHOOLS THAT CLAIM THEY ARE AFFORDABLE. I’M SORRY MY PARENTS DID NOT INVEST IN MY EDUCATION BECAUSE MY MOM WAS PUTTING EVERY DOLLAR SHE EARNED INTO HOUSEHOLD BILLS AND FOOD AND CLOTHING AND TRIED TO GIVE MY BROTHER AND ME A NORMAL CHILDHOOD WHILE MY DAD GAMBLED AWAY OUR MONEY. There has to be another way, right? I know people can meet with the financial aid advisors and resubmit my and my mom’s tax info to do an appeal, but it’s just baffling because…. well, we are lower income (NOTE: I want to say poor, and I know we are, but at the same time I know we have privileges many other lower income folks do not have) and we need aid. I don’t know. It’s infuriating. And there’s the whole Trump debacle signing bills to cut education funding… like bruh my brother and I along with MILLIONS of other college students needed that… what the heck is going on lmao.

It’s Monday and this week won’t be too bad. I have work Wednesday and Thursday. Class is cancelled for Friday. My SO bought the plane ticket for this summer with surplus scholarship money. I am applying to all the scholarships I can find and am eligible for for next semester. I think the next two years are going to be living heck for me with working and saving money to pay for school. I am waiting on hearing back from UB. I’m really riding on this lmao because

  1. it pays well. I will use half of the money I make to pay for my tuition.
  2.  housing is provided for the summer, so I won’t be stuck at home.
  3. I get to see my students again.
  4. the start and end dates of the program fit perfectly for what my SO and I have planned.

I am worried about this summer though because like I said in my previous posts, non-UMN students can only apply for the lead position and (if it’s the same format as last summer) there are only 2 spots available for this position and the supervisor emailed all the residential staff from last summer and the summer before. That means I have some serious competition. I have applied for another summer camp position, but UB is number 1 in my heart. I will just have to keep my fingers crossed.

I did not track or document any of my meals last week because I was sick and just lazy with it. I will have to get back on track with a healthy diet and exercise routine. I probably won’t be uploading a Youtube video this week because I’m still recovering. One of my friends suggested I try intermittent fasting. I’ve done some researching and it makes sense that you’d lose weight on it, but there hasn’t been enough human trials done to have significance evidence that IF works. It doesn’t really appeal to me either because I like eating breakfast in the morning and snacking on an apple or granola bar or something during the day. I’ll try it for a little bit though to see how it makes me feel.

That’s pretty much how I’ve been. A little over a month left of school and then we’re done. Man, I gotta get back into the groove of things. I hope everyone’s been well ❤



Anxiety and Anticipation

The hiring supervisor at UB sent an email out saying that anyone could apply for the Lead counselor position, which is great. It is a lot more work than the regular positions though. I still applied and I’m really hopeful.

My brother got into Macalester and St. Olaf. I’m so happy for him. It’s likely he’ll be going to Mac in the fall. It makes me really excited and nervous to hear back from Mac. I have Augsburg as a backup and I’m relieved. However, the more I dwell on it, the more unhappy I am about Augsburg. I’m sure that I’ll fit right in there though. I need to give things time.

I’ve been feeling sporadic bursts of anxiety again these past couple of weeks. It’s like I go out and everyone I see I feel like they have a personal problem with me. My chest seized up in bed a couple nights ago and I was having like an existential crisis lol. I think that if I continue doing my best and trying my hardest, things will have to fall into place.



Spring Break is this week

And I have a list of things I want to do. My brother’s spring break is the week after mine, so I’ll be flying solo with some of my activities. It’s all good though. I’ve definitely been feeling better about being on my own.

Here are some of the things I want to do this break:

  • See Get Out ($5 ticket if I go see a matinee!!!)
  • Feed ducks (I have so much corn in the freezer)
  • Go hiking (there’s a trail I want to check out and it’s only a city over)
  • Dance party in my room (yes lol)
  • Donate clothes to thrift store (I need to clean out my closet)
  • Go for more walks (I think it’s supposed to snow tho, so we’ll see)

I emailed my old supervisor at UB and they said that they’re only hiring UMN students now????? That’s really unfortunate for both parties, I think. I would have loved to come back for another summer because I had students request that I be their counselor this summer and I did get really attached to my kids. I’d also be the only returning residential employee. I’ve talked to all of my other coworkers and they either have internships or are studying abroad. If UB rehired me despite me no longer being a UMN student, I’d already know the ropes. I’ll email them again to ask if I could be an exception. I also still have my UMN login and email info lmao they haven’t been deactivated yet. I’ll be sad if things don’t work out there, but I think I have other options lined up.

I’m meeting up with a friend to catch up and they initially suggested we go to SkyZone (indoor trampoline park), but I am so broke lol :’) I suggested we go volunteer at FMSC and we could grab dinner afterwards. I looked up the menu for the place my friend picked to make sure it was in my budget. I don’t get paid for another week, so I have to make it though the week with less than $40 in my bank account. I emailed Mac about the application fee because I’ve submitted my admissions application, but haven’t paid the fee yet. The admissions director asked for a statement either from me or from my college about my financial situation and I’m thinking about saying “Hi yes, I have like $38 in my bank account and my mom couldn’t pay a bill last week, so if I could get this $40 fee waived that’d be really great because I also see you have a $700 million endowment yes pls help me”lmao why is life so much pain.

I also lost 2 lb since Monday! And gained 10 new subscribers on Youtube 🙂 I have to remember that anything worth doing takes time, energy, and commitment.


Happy Monday! March 6, 2017

I woke up this morning and was like let’s GO and recorded a video really quickly before heading off to the gym and going for a walk. Here’s the video. I ran some errands for my mom and went to the library afterwards because the internet at home was being weird and GUESS WHAT. IT TAKES LIKE 5 MIN TO UPLOAD A VIDEO HERE AT THE LIBRARY. AT HOME, IT WOULD TAKE LIKE 8 HOURS. SERIOUSLY. I uploaded 2 videos in the span of like 10 min omg whenever I need to upload video, I will come here now. I need to do work too though lmao it’s nice working in public compared to my bedroom because I like to lay down in bed after a little lol. Whooo! This is nice. Happy Monday everyone 🙂 I hope your week is great.



Waking up early when you don’t have work or class is nice

Good morning! I love having my sleep schedule in check. I fell asleep Skyping my SO last night at around 11pm and woke up this morning at around 6:45am. It’s great waking up early and feeling like you have the whole day to yourself.

I had plans of photographing some of my brother’s friends today (there is a workshop day at both schools, so we have the day off), but I decided not to third-wheel with them. Work has been really great. I have regular students that come in to see just me now and I really enjoy helping them with their papers. Some of their English skills are in development, but I somehow find us laughing and joking about what is lost in translating. One of my students apologized for confusing me yesterday because she said on Wednesday I was fine, but today I am just confused because of her paper. They’re all so sweet and I commend them for going to college and continuing their education after coming here to Minnesota as refugees. Anyway, what I was trying to get at is that I feel less lonely. I guess just going out and being around people and talking with them alleviates that giant vat of loneliness I had inside of me. I’m glad I stuck onto this job.

I have my camera and work station set up and ready for recording. I’ve been uploading on Youtube regularly for over a week now! Here are the dates I’ve uploaded: 2/21, 2/24, 2/27, and 3/2. That’s a video every 3 days. I know that some Youtubers are on there for months to years, creating and uploading videos, before they catch on with an audience. I keep refreshing my channel to see if there are new views or subscribers lmao, but I need to remember it will take time. I’ve only been uploading actual content for about a week.

Here’s the link to my Youtube channel. Please check it out! I plan on posting a lot more creative and rambling things in the future.


personal · Uncategorized

Finished college apps!

I submitted all of my college applications!!! Now, I wait 🙂 I know I’ll be okay even if I don’t get into Macalester or Bryn Mawr because Augsburg’s already accepted me.

I finished another video for Youtube and I’ll be uploading tomorrow. I’m happy with how it turned out, but there’s a lot of work I have to do with editing and speaking skills.

I work Wed and Thurs, and I don’t have class Fri. Spring break is coming up soon too.

At the moment, I feel okay. Like everything will fall into place if I just keep moving forward and doing my best.